


It's alright to cry.

by graceisintodrummers



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, Louis-centric, M/M, OT5 Friendship, Sad Louis, Song fic, fuck management, louis is strong, louis/liam brotp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-21 02:06:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2450669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graceisintodrummers/pseuds/graceisintodrummers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even my Dad does sometimes. Even Zayn and Paul. And sometimes, sometimes even Louis.<br/>"So don't wipe your eyes, tears remind you, you're alive."</p><p>Or the one where Louis tries to be strong for all of them until it gets to much.<br/>And maybe, just maybe he doesn't have to be strong all the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's alright to cry.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own the boys or anything really. 
> 
> It's a song fic, based on Ed's beautiful piece of music "Even my Dad does sometimes".
> 
> It's Louis centric, kind of.
> 
> Enjoy xx

Louis is always the strong one, the one who fixes things and gets stuff done. Of course, he is the oldest one, the big brother, it's his job. It has been back home with his sister and now it is with the boys. And he doesn't complain. He likes his place in the band. He needed enough time to find it.

Nevertheless it gets hard sometimes. There are days when it becomes too much, even for him. Even more when Liam is not on his side lately.

The two of them developed some special connection after they finally figured out how to be friends. And Louis needs him by his side, needs him to be mature when he isn't, needs his partner to work everything out.

He got along with the other boys immediately. It was kind of strange, because he didn't even know if he liked the idea of being put in a freaking boy band. But there was Niall, who laughed at everything Louis said and it was so genuine and carefree. And there was Zayn smiling at him shyly, joining the conversation now and then, slowly getting more confident around the others and Louis loved to see how they earned his trust more every day. And then of course, there was Harry, sweet little Harry, who had his heart at Hi. Louis knew he was special the minute he saw him, and he was proven right when he get to know him better.

And there was Liam. Liam who was always so insecure, who would flinch at Louis' touch, who'd press his lips together not to cry sometimes. And Louis got frustrated after a while, because Liam leaned into Zayn and laughed with Niall and talked to Harry, but he always seemed to be scared of Louis. And then Louis screamed at him and Liam looked even more afraid and damn it was hard.

But things changed eventually. Louis remembers this one night after the third live show. He and Liam were the last ones up and he was still overwhelmed with how much he loved this and how much it scared him at the same time. And he just had to ask Liam. "Why are you always so confident and secure on stage but not around others?" And Liam looked up from the comic he was reading and frowns for a second. And then he tells Louis how he feels like singing is the only thing he is good at and how he was bullied during school and he feels like he doesn't really belong anywhere. And that's we're it hits Louis, that maybe they didn't get along in the beginning because they are similar in so many ways. And the first time he finds himself talking about his struggles, how he doesn't know where his place here is and how he feels not good enough, how he wanted to run before the first live show and that he feels guilty leaving his mum and his sisters. And he just feels that Liam understands. He knows that they are going to be friends when Liam lets him touch his hand and even smiles a little. They've been inseparable ever since.

Louis pulled Liam with him doing pranks and stupid stuff and Liam helped being mature, when they needed to be, became Daddy Direction somewhere along the way and they were just the best team ever. But Liam is struggling lately, he is not on Louis side as often as he wishes him to be. And he isn't mature for him when his not, isn't strong for him when Louis can't take it and it makes all of this harder. He understands though, and that's even worse because he can't go and yell at him. He's been there before and he knows how Liam is feeling and he can't push him, even if he needs him so bad right now. He needs him, cause recently Harry crawls into bed crying more often and Louis has no idea what to do. He holds him till he stops, whispers “I love you” in his hair and kisses him genuinely. But he doesn't know how to fix it and Liam would. Or maybe he wouldn't but together they'd find a way. And he misses Liam.

He started talking to Zayn a while ago. And it's good actually, Zayn is a great listener but he doesn't talk much. He doesn't discuss things with him like Liam does. And he doesn't talk about Liam either. He just refuses too. "I have to take what I get Lou. And he's here and he sneaks into my room and sleeps in my bed and he smiles at me and we're friends and that's okay for now." But Louis knows it's not.

And he is jealous of Niall, because Liam spends so much time with him and maybe they talk, maybe Liam trusts him now and maybe Niall laughs at Liam's jokes instead of Louis'.

And now the tour is over and it's always worse then. Of course they need a break, they do. But it sucks not having the boys around. He always gets so used to it, when they are on tour. He tends to forget that there is a life outside and it hits him hard every time. When he is on stage he can pretend like everything is alright and they don't have to lie to everyone around them because he knows he will be falling asleep next to the love of his life and this is all he needs to be happy. At least for a moment.

But now the tour is over and all the thoughts he kept pushing away are back. And he promised Harry there wouldn't be another tour hiding. So he has to do something. But he needs someone to talk to, he needs someone who gets his thoughts straight because right now he is not able to do it himself. But who? Niall is not an option, because he is not even involved in this shit, not as much the other four. So it would be just unfair and also how can he help? He should not be bothered by this, Niall is so innocent and Louis just wants to shelter him from all of this. Louis can't talk to Zayn, because the Bradford boy doesn't fucking talks. And besides that he has enough shit going on in his life, enough stuff he has to deal with. And Louis still feels that Zayn is fragile that he has the urge to put him in a bed and cover him with thousands of pillows so he won't ever get hurt. Like with this stupid, stupid engagement, like what the actual fuck? He already thought about talking to Harry, but he can't. Not that the younger boy wouldn't be helpful, he would. And it's also not about Harry being weak. He's probably a lot stronger than Louis these times. No, it's just in Louis' head that he wants to protect his boy. And he promised him he'd fix this, so there is no way asking him.

He needs Liam. He needs his partner, his companion, his sidekick, the Robin to his batman or the other way around maybe because Liam is the better batman maybe, the Bonnie to his Clyde, his brother, his friend. He knows Liam also goes through a lot. He knows Liam probably needs to figure out what he wants first, before he can figure out what's best for the band and the boys, but Louis needs him. So the next time they're all together after the tour, it's probably the day they're shooting the video to steal my girl, he is going to talk to him. He has to. But then the day comes and they are all together in a hotel room, laying on the two double beds, he and Harry share one, Zayn, Niall and Liam the other and all of them seem happy, so he can't bring himself to speak up, he can't bring himself to destroy this perfect evening. Just the five of them. He must have been fallen asleep during the third Harry-Potter-movie they we're watching (Niall is still a little obsessed) and he wakes up to Zayn and Harry whispering to each other on the bedroom floor.

"I can't do this any more Harry. How can you? How are you handling always being seen as someone your not? Because I'm done with this shit Harry. I'm not a terrorist and I'm not sick of being in a band with you guys and I'm not fucking engaged. I'm not even in love with a girl." "I know." Harry whispers while he lets his fingers run trough the older boys hair, which had gotten pretty long too just like his. "But things will change Zija (Louis has no idea when Harry came up with this nickname but he calls Zayn that lot recently. "It's a combination of his first and his second name Louis, get it?") It will get better and there will come a time when we will be able to be true to who we are. I promise. Louis promised and you know he is one to keep his words."

And damn it breaks Louis heart. He pretends to be asleep as Harry crawls back into bed a few minutes later and listens to his boyfriend breath. It becomes steady after a while and when Louis is sure that Harry is asleep he allows himself to cry. He hasn't cried in month, maybe even years. Yeah now that he thinks about it it might have been nearly two years ago when he last cried. Winter 2012, right after they performed at Msg and management was so awful to Harry and he missed his boyfriend so much and he saw him cry and it broke his heart. That's when he last cried. And he said to himself he'd make Harry happy, he'd stop management from pressuring him into doing things he doesn't want and yet two years later they are still not one step further. "Louis, everything okay?" Fuck he thought everyone was asleep. The oldest boy lifts his head from the pillow and sees that Liam is awake, standing at the end of the bed. "Louis are you crying?" Louis laughs sarcastically. "No." He answers a little too harsh. "Tommo, what?" "No, don't talk to me, just...don't. I...I don't need you Liam. Just leave me alone, okay? Like you did the last fucking year, Liam. I can do it on my own. I DON'T NEED YOU LIAM.” He didn't realize that he was screaming until now. “Fuck.”

Liam just stands there on the edge of the king-sized bed with tears in his eyes and looks at Louis.

“Fuck, Li.” The other boys are awake too, of course, and they look at the two boys in confusion. Harry takes Louis' hand and moves closer, but his eyes are on Liam. Zayn stands up, even if he is the sleepiest person ever, but this is more important and they all feel it. He is on Liam's side immediately. “Li, baby, what is wrong?” The younger boy shakes his head and then he turns his eyes from Louis. “I...I'm sorry...” And then he storms out of the room and Louis buries his head in his hands. What did he do? He made everything worse.

Zayn follows Liam while Niall sits down on the bed beside Louis and Harry. “What was that?” Louis can feel Harry shaking his head while he lays his arm around his boyfriend. “Lou, honey, are you going to tell us?” But Louis cannot speak, because the tears are back and he has now idea how to stop them. He feels Niall moving closer, also embracing him into a hug and with his two friends holding him close, he cries even harder. He is not strong enough for all of this. Who is he kidding? He can't fix this, it will never be okay.

“Louis?” He didn't hear Liam and Zayn coming back, but as he lifts his head the two of them are sitting on the bed, watching him, and Liam looks like he also cried. “I'm sorry.” Is all Louis is able to say. But Liam understands and he pulls the older boy on his chest and buries his face in Louis' hair. “No, Lou, I am. I'm sorry, I let you down. I'm sorry I haven't been a good friend lately. And if I have given you the feeling that I'm not here for you any more, that you cannot come to me, that you have to be strong for all of us than...Louis, I'm so sorry, you could've come to me. I know I was busy with myself lately, and I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I'm still your friend Lou, and I still care and I'm here and we're in this together and...Lou, I'm sorry...” And now Liam cries too as he holds Louis tight, and Louis wants to say anything, he wants to tell Liam that it is not that bad, that he isn't mad at him, but he cannot stop crying.

The other boys join their hug as Louis sobs into Liam's sweater and it doesn't even feel that bad, it is kind of soothing, somehow. And Louis never wants his boys to leave. When the others break apart from the hug eventually, the oldest boy still isn't able to stop his tears. And Liam isn't ready to let him go yet, so they just sit there, between their boys and hug each other.

  
  


“I...I'm sorry, I just can't stop c...crying.” Louis whispers, but Liam hears it and he kisses his hair softly as he breathes in deeply. “But it...it's okay to cry Louis. You are always there, for all of us, you're the one who cares, you're the one who is strong for us. And I'm thankful Lou, we all are. We need you to be. But sometimes, we can be strong too. We care too Louis and we are here for you.”

Liam's word make Louis sob even harder but he finally lifts his head, and a small smile appears on his face. “I know.”

Harry moves closer and pulls Niall with him and Liam opens his arm to welcome Zayn so that they are all cuddle together. Louis pecks Harry's lips to show him it is okay, to show him they'll make it.

“Can you...can you tell us what's on your mind Lou? Can you tell me? So I can help?” Liam looks at him with those puppy eyes and oh Louis missed him. “I...it's just. The tour is over. The next is soon to come. And I promised you something. I want out from that management. No more hiding, no more lies, no more fucking rumours. I just don't really know how yet. I've been talking to Simon a lot lately. We are trying to figure something out. But whatever we are going to do, it's not going to be easy. Like at all. And I thought I could take things on my own, I thought I could do it. But apparently I can't. I'm too weak...” The tears are back again, so Louis stops talking.

“You're not weak.” It's Niall who speaks up first. “You, you're not weak Lou, you're the strongest person I know. This...you put yourself under pressure Lou. You have to stop.” And Harry wipes his tears away with his shirtsleeve, holds him close and nods. “Niall is right baby. It's going to be fine. You can't do this on your own. We are a band, remember?” And Louis can't help but smile again, even if he is still crying a little.

  
  


Zayn speaks up too. “I'm sorry if I couldn't help you. When you came to talk to me, you know? I thought you just needed someone to tell all this. I didn't...I'm sorry, I have so many thoughts in my head lately, but I'm in Louis. I can help. I can do something.” He reaches out to squeeze Louis' hand and the older boy wonders when Liam is going to see it. The way Zayn looks at him. The way he loves him. And he knows deep down that Liam feels it too. He is afraid, just like Louis was at the beginning.

  
  


“I just want you to be happy. All of you. That's is really important for me, and I feel like failing. I...Harry, you are so sad sometimes, because you still cannot be yourself and I'm sorry it takes me so long. And Zayn, Z. it breaks my heart to see you like this, you deserve more and Liam, what is going on? You don't talk to me any more, you...you seem so lost. There are days when you are the happiest person ever, but then I look you in the eyes and I can't find you, I can't find the boy I love so much. And damn, Liam I need my brother back. I really need you back.”

  
  


The other boys breath in deeply after Louis' words. “Lou, I...” Harry starts but the older boy stops him. “No, babe. I have promised you everything would be alright. And it will be. I'm sorry, I cried. It won't happen again. I'm gonna do this, I am strong enough okay, it was just difficult because...I don't know. I just had a though night, it won't happen again.”

Louis closes his eyes and sighs. He doesn't want his boys to see him like this. He isn't weak, he really isn't. He can still do this. He can manage everything. He doesn't even need Liam, really. What was he thinking? He is strong enough to do it on his own.

He opens his eyes again to see all his boys looking at him. He wants to stand up and walk away, he wants to hide somewhere and just not think about anything for a while. He disappointed his friends, he disappointed Harry. He needs to leave right now.

Liam's strong arms hold him back as he tries to get up and he falls back into the bed. Harry immediately puts both his arms around him, holding him close, but the others aren't far away either. And fuck why is he crying again?

“It's alright Liam.” It's Niall who speaks up first. “It's alright to cry.” This makes Louis sob even harder. “It's okay, everyone does. Even Zayn cries sometimes.” The boys laugh and Louis joins with a small smile. “Even Paul does.” Liam reassures. “Sometimes I mean. It's alright Lou. It's good actually, it helps you cope with things. You shouldn't always bury your worries inside of you.” Louis swallows and opens his eyes a little. His boys are still near. They're still eyeing him and he is not sure if he can stand the looks right now, so he closes his eyes again. He moves closer to Harry thought, leaning into his hug.

“I'm sorry Lou, I didn't know...I could have helped, you could have talked to me.” Louis can hear from his boyfriend's voice that he is crying too. He opens his eyes again and looks into Harry's emerald ones. “No Haz, you did everything right.” He leans in to kiss him and tastes the tears on his lips. “It's alright Harry.” The younger boy nods.

“I'm sorry Lou, it's all my fault.” Louis turns around as Liam speaks up. “No, Li, that's...”  
“Please, I need to say this now. I wanted to apologies to you for so long. I've just never found the strength. I know the last year was hard, I know I screwed up more than once. I know I shut you out and it wasn't fair. But I'm better now, really. I'm better, not good yet, but I'm getting there. I just..I hope you can forgive me.”

He is looking at Louis when he says the last words. Straight into his eyes, his own brown ones filling with tears.

“I love you Liam!” Is all Louis can think of. What should he say? Of course he is going to forgive Liam. He doesn't even know if there is something to forgive. Liam has a hard time, that's all. The younger boy smiles and whispers “I love you” back. But Louis knows it is not really him he's asking for forgiveness. “Li, it's also alright to make mistakes sometimes. Everyone does.” And as he says he knows it's true. He realizes that it's okay to fall as long as you stand up again. It's okay, that he needs Liam to handle things, he doesn't have to do it on his own.

He looks up again and smiles and this time it's genuine. “He'll forgive you Liam.” Louis can feel the other boy's confused look, but Liam will understand. “And you're right Nialler. It's okay to cry, it's alright to shake sometimes. As long as you hold on. And I made mistakes too. I shouldn't try to protect you and I should really start to include all of you. We all want the same, right? A new management, no more lies, no more hiding. We want to make more choices on our own. We want to do our thing, not what anyone else wants, right?”

The others agree immediately and Louis smiles as he falls back into his boyfriend's arms. “Than we'll figure it out together. But not tonight. For now I just want to sleep.” He buries his face in Harry's neck and pushes him down, so they are both lying down. I love you guys. I love you so much.”

  
  


As Louis wakes up the other boys are still lying in the same bed, legs and arms tangled up together. Well, except for Liam. He stands up and finds his friend outside on the balcony. “Hi.”

“Louis.” The older boy joins his band mate, sitting down at the wall. “Are you okay?”  
“I don't know Lou. Am I?” Liam breathes in deeply. “You will be. We'll all be.” And Louis believes himself, for the first time in month, he is confident. He reaches out for Liam's hand. “You're my best friend. Don't shut me out again, okay?” Liam nods, biting his bottom lip as he is trying not to cry. “And Zayn loves you. You two are in such a good place, you just have to let happen. You have to stop be afraid. Remember when you told me I should fight for Harry, don't care about other's any more. Now it's your time to fight.”

Liam nods and turns his head to Louis. “You are always saving us. You are always so strong.” He rests his head on Louis' shoulder. “Not always. Sometimes I need to take a break Li.” “I can be strong for you Louis. I can help.” And Louis smiles. “So the team is back?” “I was never gone anyway. I'm always on your side. We are brothers for life.” “We are.”

A few minutes later, Harry joins them on the balcony. He kisses Louis on the mouth and greets Liam with a hug. A few minutes later Zayn and Niall appear outside and sit down next to their friends. Zayn places himself between Liam and Louis, carefully intertwining his fingers wit Liam's.

 

Louis smiles as he rests his head on Harry's shoulder. It's alright to cry. It's alright to have bad days once in a while. It's even okay to have a bad week or a bad month. As long as you pull yourself together and come out stronger than you were before. And they're all going to be stronger. Because it's going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I just needed to write this. Love you x


End file.
